Today, I am celebrating 18 years of sobriety in a non-theistic, trauma centered and Buddhist model of my own design. Addiction is complex and personal. I don’t believe there is one “right” way to be sober. I honor all paths. I do have my own viewpoint.
Here’s how my journey looks:
I have never fabricated a belief in god as part of my sobriety. It’s totally possible for some of us to be sober and reject any notion of higher power as a necessary component.
I totally reject (for myself) the notion of "powerlessness". I believe in the precise opposite, taking full responsibility for your behavior. It takes time and may never be perfect, but taking responsibility is the only chance you have.
I do not believe addiction is a “disease”. In my case,I understand it as a symptom of trauma. As a person who has worked in rehabs and coached many people struggling with addiction, I believe this is true of most people who struggle with addiction patterns.
I do not identify as an “addict”. I understand myself as a person who has been impacted by trauma. Addiction behaviors are often a response to dysregulation associated with trauma.
I do not believe I have character “defects”. I believe my nervous system and brain simply adapted to hard conditions growing up, being a gay person in a different era and to shock traumas in early adulthood. "not my fault, buy I am my responsibility".
I still struggle with bouts of sugar addiction. which is to say, I am not completely free of addiction patterns. I used to have 5 ways to get numb, now I have one. I spend about half my life without sugar. That's progress but not, as they say, perfection.
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Here are some things that have been central to 18 years of sobriety. I think anyone who is attempting to recover from addiction could benefit from:
Containment and structure. You need places to be, things to do and people to do it with. Especially early in the process. Whether that’s rehab, meetings, therapy, a job or college or in my case, New York City open mics and meditation groups. Purpose. Meaning. Goals. Connection! This is a must! “I need my friends like I did back then”
Self regulatory practices. We must develop ways to calm and regulate ourselves in the absence of our “addiction” behaviors. These are awareness based skills you can develop. Also an absolute must!
An understanding of how trauma functions (often centrally) in addiction and relapse. Particularly in compromising regulation capacities. This awareness changes everything. Most people have a limited understanding of what trauma is and how it functions.
Trauma integration and resolution practices with a trained helping professional.
Holistic wellness practices. What we eat, moving our bodies, sleep, relationships, work you love, financial consciousness etc..have tremendous impact on our resilience and general wellbeing.
Mindfulness training. To cultivate an ability to objectively study yourself and be measured in your responses to whatever is happening, rather than unconscious, impulsive and reactive.
Build something! Sobriety itself is not enough. Build a life you don’t want to escape from on the foundation of sobriety. Sobriety is the foundation not the end goal.
For more reasons than I can list, getting sober is one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Generally speaking,(yes, I have perfectly responsible drinkers and smokers in my life) I think it’s better to be sober. I think sober people are, by and large, more present, responsive, grounded, stable, dependable, more emotionally intelligent and safer.
I’m grateful to the people who inspired me both in the Buddhist world and in my musician circles. To my teachers, friends and colleagues. Thank you.
You know who you are.